Black Hawk Down fanfiction

Gary/Randy, NC-17

Summary: Randy is caught between a rock and a hard place.

~*~

Randy couldn’t care less about the sniper competition Roth had given them permission to attend in Colorado Springs in two days time.

It was taking place at Fort Carson which was right outside Colorado Springs, with nearly every division of the worldwide Special Forces community sending teams.

He had been before, but never with Gary. Most everyone stayed at the base for the seven days of the competition, though during the nights it was a free-for-all in the city. He had been dreaming of taking Gary with him for three years, praying for when they would both be at Bragg at the same time and available to go.

In all the years he had been going, he had never once placed in even the top five. Who the fuck had time to work so hard when it was effectively a seven-day vacation? He sure as hell didn’t. He didn’t even stay on the base, but rather at a hotel in Colorado Springs, where he could see to all kinds of wonderful activities, mostly involving the Norwegian SF guys.

This time he would be bringing his own blond for introductions. He had left the hotel reservation up to Gary, who had wasted no time in making it.

Now as he stood with the hotel reservation in his pocket, it was indeed burning a hole into his leg. But for the wrong reasons.

He let out a slow breath, lifting his hand to shield his eyes as he squinted at the pile of metal heaped in one corner of the field. He and two other operators had liberated the metal earlier in the morning from a junk shop in town and were now supposed to be discussing how to set explosives to it and blow it up precisely how they wanted it blown up.

The discussion went on around him and he nodded when he thought he should, but his mind was stuck processing the location of the hotel Gary had chosen. The hotel wasn’t in Colorado Springs, but in a town called Castle Rock about thirty minutes from Colorado Springs.

But more importantly, thirty minutes from Denver.

“Randy.”

“What?”

“You wanna give us an answer?”

“What was the question?”

The two operators turned and stared at each other. They turned back and grinned widely at him. “Where the fuck have you been?”

Randy shoved his hands in his pockets. “Let’s get going to the store. We can figure this out on the way there.”

“Sure thing. But be advised, we’re not letting you set explosives with that look on your face.”

*****

He had picked up the faxed reservation confirmation from the Duty Officer’s office first thing that morning, and had stood staring at it for so long the sergeant had asked him if he was all right. He had said he was fine, and left with the paper folded neatly in his pocket.

Then he had set about avoiding Gary.

He could act as though he was surprised Gary had Denver on his mind, but he’d be bullshitting himself. Ever since leaving Denver eight months ago they had never spoken about what had happened that night in Casey’s house, when he and Casey had ignored six years of platonic friendship and kissed the way they had.

Casey’s actions had caught him off guard, but he had recomposed himself, chalked it up to left-over curiosity from their past, and put it – and any accompanying wayward thoughts – out of his head.

But it wasn’t curiosity that now burned in Gary’s eyes.

Gary had been caught unawares by Casey’s existence before they went to Colorado, and time and circumstances hadn’t permitted him to do anything more about it.

But this time he was prepared, and Randy knew more than anyone what Gary could accomplish when he set his mind to it. It was even worse if Gary knew he wanted it as well.

And he wanted it. He wanted it so badly he could taste it.

It wouldn’t be the first time he and his boyfriend had had a threesome. A hot, eager body behind him with Gary in front of him, doing his thing. He could come in his pants just recalling the look Gary got on his face watching him.

He could see the look Gary had gotten on his face back in Denver, the feel of Gary's body tightening against him watching Casey give him that scorching kiss.

The three of them together would be like cream icing on a cake.

So why was he on the verge of panic?

Someone elbowed his side, and Randy blinked, realizing he had been sitting in the middle of a table in the dining facility with his fellow operators, staring at his tray of food and bottled water. He couldn’t remember putting any of it there.

He looked up, and saw that he had been elbowed to move and make room for Gary, who was taking the seat to his left. Randy circled his arm around his tray, gripping the top.

Gary placed his tray on the table and immediately ignored it. He leaned closer to Randy and Randy was forced to move his head closer to hear his words.

He felt Gary place a hand against his ear and expected a whisper. Instead Gary’s teeth sank into his earlobe.

Randy started so hard the tray clattered on the table. He held himself still as Gary gently worried his lobe, knowing he had only a few seconds before he publicly cracked in two.

But Gary released him with a tiny flick and sat back in his seat, picking up his fork as if nothing had happened.

Randy felt his eyes drying out from not blinking, and blinked.

“Bad news, Randy?” asked Jelly, the operator sitting across from him.

“Fucking awesome news.” Gary was grinning. “Seven free days in Colorado.”

“How the fuck did you swing that? Oh, yeah. That sissy sniper competition the 10th does every year.”

Gary chuckled, cutting into his steak. “Merely the means to an end, my friend.”

“So how come Randy looks like he’s having a heart attack?”

Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Gary turn to him and grin lopsidedly.

“I have no idea,” Gary said.

“Hey, by the way, Randy,” Jelly was asking. “Are you two still on Shooting House detail after lunch?”

A groan escaped before Randy could stop it. He and Gary and a bunch of other operators were supposed to rebuild the room in the Shooting House that simulated the cabin of a Boeing DC-747, something they regularly rotated doing since the rooms got decimated after a few weeks of training.

Gary was the last person he should be around right now.

“Shit,” he muttered, then realized he had said it aloud.

“Yeah,” Jelly said slowly. “Shit work. I was going to ask to borrow your Jeep, but wanna switch places instead? I’m on rose garden duty.”

“Sounds good,” Randy said quickly.

Beside him, Gary froze. He turned and stared at Randy. Randy didn’t look at him, having no problem imagining the shocked expression on his face.

“Super,” Jelly said. “And don’t forget. It’s that time of year the roses get their special treatment.”

Randy blinked. Their prize winning roses were initially planted using sewage for fertilizer, which accounted for their outstanding quality. Once a year, a couple of unlucky guys were picked to keep up the tradition. He had clean forgotten about it.

He sighed, dropping his fork. “Well, that was stupid.”

“I’ll say,” Jelly replied.

Randy pushed back his chair and stood up, taking his tray with him. He left without another word.

A little later he met up with the operator he was to work with on the garden and after standing around for a few minutes cursing their luck, they took turns discussing the pros and cons of artificial versus natural fertilizer. Not long after, they came to an agreement and closed the discussion. He drove them to the landscaping store instead of the sewage plant, where they bought the best artificial fertilizers they could get their hands on.

Upon their return, he tried to focus on the meticulous work, but his heart had been tripping out of rhythm since leaving Gary behind in the dining hall. He had reacted badly under pressure, walking out without a word like that, and he knew he was going to pay for it.

Knowing the stages of Gary’s temper, he knew it was at least still in its embryonic stage, with Gary still figuring out whether Randy’s behavior had been justified, for whatever reason, or whether he needed to rip him a new one.

The other operator kept up an easy flow of conversation, but it was mostly one-sided as Randy concentrated instead on listening for Gary’s footsteps behind him.

It must have been the pounding of his heart, because he missed it. Suddenly Gary was crouched beside him. Randy made himself keep breathing.

“Hey, Ian,” Gary said evenly to the other operator. “Will you excuse us for a second?”

“No problem. You want something to drink, Randy?”

Randy shook his head and Ian left. Gary waited for Ian to get out of hearing range while Randy kept on fertilizing, knowing he was fucking up now but trying to look busy.

“You can tell me what’s on your mind,” Gary said. “Or you can leave me in a position of having to guess.”

Randy was silent.

Gary sighed. “You picked up the hotel confirmation, right?” he asked quietly.

Randy nodded.

“So you saw that it’s in Castle Rock.”

He nodded again.

“So you know what I’m getting at.”

Randy switched to pulling out invisible weeds, giving no acknowledgement. Gary didn’t say anything for a while, presumably watching him.

“Randy,” he said softly. “If I’ve somehow misread you, if you’re saying no to it, then say no and I’ll get us a hotel near Fort Carson and we can forget I ever brought it up.”

Randy felt his heart contract and shook his head slightly. He would never lie to Gary.

“I want it,” he muttered.

“I know you do,” Gary whispered back, not missing a beat. “And frankly I want to start by giving it to you right now. Fuck up all these pretty roses.”

Randy killed the groan in his throat, wanting to strangle Gary. He was saved by the other guys waiting for Gary calling impatiently to him. Gary called back that he would be with them in a second.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Gary said, and stood up. “I’ve got something for you.” He stepped around the bushes and back onto the concrete walkway.

Randy closed his eyes, groaning silently. Had he said yes? Jesus Christ. He was worthless when Gary wanted sex.

He could feel himself breaking out in a panicked sweat.

He turned and watched as Gary walked away with the other operators.

When Gary had first joined Delta, he had watched him almost night and day, even when Gary had thought he hadn’t been at the compound. He remembered how difficult it had been to stop following him around, how he had thought he must have lost his mind because Gary had barely said anything to him and he was already planning the rest of their lives together.

After they had gotten together, it had taken him a long time, at least a few months of regular mind-splitting orgasms, to get back to something resembling normal thinking.

It was at that time that he started noticing how some of Gary’s mannerisms reminded him of someone else.

It hadn’t bothered him then. He knew he had a type, and it was natural that Gary share similarities with Casey, his first emotional connection. Plus, it wasn’t as though harboring an attraction for certain physical attributes necessarily added up to much else.

But that was where his rationalization broke down.

Because before Casey, he hadn’t even known he had a type. Six years ago his infatuation with Casey had been the strongest thing in his life. And eight months ago Casey had kissed him and he still hadn’t forgotten it.

When he thought about being in that hotel room in Denver, he didn’t think of being with Gary and Casey. He only thought of finally being with Casey.

He stopped thinking, his head throbbing so badly it felt as if a vice gripped it. He felt ashamed.

He sat back on his heels, staring down at his dirty hands, now as useless as his mind.

*****

Gary was late meeting him at his Jeep that evening and Randy should have been grateful for the time he needed to think. But thinking had become as difficult as dragging lead weights from the bottom of the ocean. He kept wiping his hands on his thighs then gripping the steering wheel tighter each time, as if it would somehow help, hoping for and yet dreading Gary’s arrival.

Gary appeared at the passenger door and opened it, dropping his ruck onto the floor.

“I think I should go home alone tonight,” Randy suddenly heard himself saying.

Gary stilled and looked at him. Randy kept his gaze straight out the windshield.

“What the fuck?” Gary said quietly.

“I have to get up before dawn to start construction on a mock-up in the main field.”

“The embassy residence at Haifa?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m working on that as well.”

Randy let out a weak breath.

Gary waited for a few more seconds, then grabbed his ruck from the floor. “I’ll stay at the barracks,” he said shortly. “And unless you find a way to trade off with Jelly again, I’ll see you in the morning.”

He slammed the door and walked away. Randy watched him go, then started up the car and drove home in loud silence.

He entered his apartment, went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and yanked out items to make dinner. He had pulled out a saucepan, poured out oil and turned on the stove before he remembered he had already eaten dinner at the compound.

He twisted off the gas knob and stood over the stove, trying to think around his mental block. Five minutes later he still couldn’t clear his mind. He swore and tossed the gas lighter he was still clutching onto the counter.

Just then, the front door to his apartment slammed.

At first he didn’t know what to think, but as he started for the living room he came to an abrupt stop at the kitchen’s entrance, his mouth a hair’s breadth from Gary’s jaw.

“I changed my fucking mind,” Gary said through gritted teeth, then closed his mouth over Randy’s upper lip. He sucked, and Randy gripped his arms and stumbled backwards into the pantry door.

Gary moved fast with him, positioning himself between Randy’s legs and gripping his hips. He licked under Randy’s lip, flicking his tongue against his teeth. “I told you I had something for you,” he growled breathlessly.

He pulled Randy’s hips forward as he pushed into him, spreading his legs with his until their crotches were flush against each other. Their harsh breathing mingled as Randy gripped him by the shoulders, whimpering “fuck, fuck,” then sliding his hands higher, until he sank his fingers into Gary’s hair.

Gary reached down between their bodies, breathing fast as he scrambled to open Randy’s fly. Randy spread his legs wider, going incoherent as Gary got him open and pushed his hand into his underwear.

He sheathed his hand over Randy’s cock and tugged on it before twisting and sliding it farther down, between Randy’s legs, under, past his balls, until he was brushing his fingertips over the soft bump near Randy’s entrance.

Randy twisted and bumped backward against the door, whimpering frantically and tightening his fingers in Gary’s hair, licking and sucking Gary’s jaw as he tried to remain standing upright.

Gary turned his head and pressed his mouth against Randy’s ear. “You know what this is?” he breathed. Randy nodded, then shook his head. “His hand.”

Randy dug his fingers into Gary’s scalp, rubbing his ear against Gary’s mouth. “Baby. Please don’t say it.”

Gary pushed his crotch against him, shoving him back into the door until it creaked on its hinges. “Don’t say what, goddamn it?” he growled, scraping his teeth against Randy’s ear. “Don’t say you want it? That you fucking dream about it?”

“Please, Gary,” he moaned, clutching and pulling on his hair. “I’m begging you.”

Gary stopped stroking and pushed his finger against the sensitive nub. “Are you?” he asked.

“Fuck,” Randy groaned, rocking his hips slowly, making Gary’s fingertips brush him again. “Oh God, fuck, fuck. Please don’t take your hand off.” He gripped Gary’s wrist to hold him in place. A torrent of dirty phrases flew out of him.

“Oh,” Gary breathed, tracing circles with his finger, aware now of his exact pressure and rhythm. “You want Casey’s beautiful cock. You want me to watch your face when he shoves it into you.”

Randy said something but it came out in gurgles. Yet Gary was groaning softly, as if he understood every word. His fingers were trembling in Gary’s hair and he was about to slide to the floor.

Gary slid his fingers farther back between Randy’s legs, groaning as they found and dipped into Randy’s entrance. He spread his fingers over the opening.

“You know what I want?” he whispered raggedly. “I want to hold you down as he rides you. I want to feel you slamming against me because he’s fucking you so hard.”

Randy pulled his fingers from Gary’s hair and tore at Gary’s fly, unzipping and pulling him out. Gary immediately fused his crotch to Randy’s, trapping his hand between them. He ground in slow hard circles.

Randy let his head drop back against the door, feeling himself melt into the wood. “I don’t…” Gary’s chest pressed into him, sending a wave of pleasure into him. He let his sentence fade.

Gary turned his face, panting and licking his cheek. “What?” he asked shakily.

Randy spoke slowly, depending on Gary’s rhythm to get his words out. “Don’t…want to… I don’t want to beg… in front of him.”

Gary made a short, desperate sound. “Not unless I tell you to.” He increased the movements of his hips. Randy groaned and tightened against him, feeling the rush of his climax. “You know why? Because that’s mine.”

He dropped his head onto Gary’s shoulder and gripped him as a flood of pleasure exploded across his body. The first spasm of Gary’s climax shoved him into the door and they clutched each other as they went rigid, their muscles trembling violently. They both broke and choked out their gasps, then Randy slid to the floor.

Gary came after him, trying to kiss him, but Randy just sat against the door with his head in his hands. Gary knelt between his legs, stroking his face, shoulders, hair.

“Randy,” he said gently. “I borrowed a car from someone to get here.”

Randy tried to nod, or give some reaction, but now his entire body, and not just his thoughts, felt like lead weight.

“I have to return it,” Gary was saying, “but I can catch a cab back here. Should I come back?”

Randy said nothing, breathing evenly and quietly. Gary pushed off his knees and left, and didn’t come back.

*****

Randy frowned down at the circle of blueprints spread out on the grass. He had been staring at the same section for God only knew how long and he still couldn’t process which figures he was looking at. To their left, near the center of the field, a mock-up of the U.S. embassy residence in Haifa was being built per the blueprints he was supposed to be studying. The figures looked like gibberish to him.

Gary hadn’t shown up for the construction, and he knew it was because of him. But he hadn’t gone looking for Gary.

He had barely slept last night and in the clear light of day the simple, awful truth had dawned on him. He felt sick, but he made himself acknowledge it.

He was afraid that in the middle of getting his brains fucked out by Casey he would discover he had settled for Gary because he couldn’t have the real thing. His feelings would come exploding to the surface and he would have no control and he would blurt out the way he felt.

He halted his thoughts and slowed his breathing despite his hot head, holding himself very still and keeping his expression in check.

It wasn’t true. He knew it wasn’t. It was the most irrational conclusion he had ever made.

But if they went to Colorado he would be putting it to the test. And God help him, he wasn’t prepared for the answer.

He pushed off his knees and tossed his pencil into the circle, ignoring the weird looks he got from the other operators. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes.”

He went into the first office he came across and called the Lt. Colonel’s office in Fort Carson, then called the hotel in Castle Rock and cancelled their reservation. Then he went looking for Gary. He found him in their Troop Bay and told him.

At first Gary stared at him in confusion. Then he dropped his head and took deep breaths as if about to say something and changing his mind.

“So where will we be staying?” Gary finally asked.

“Nowhere. I withdrew us from the competition and cancelled the trip.”

Gary’s head whipped up. “Why didn’t you just switch to a hotel in Colorado Springs?”

“I don’t want to be in Colorado at all.”

Gary stared at him. “Roth isn’t going to give us a fucking week off together. If we don’t go to Colorado, we don’t get that time. Now I’m asking you again. Let’s just stay in Colorado Springs and forget Denver.”

Randy kept his eyes averted, feeling heat flood his face. There was no way they could be an hour away from Denver for seven days and not do something. Not when they both wanted it.

The doors to the Bay banged open and a group of operators entered, talking loudly. Randy remained where he was, leaning against Gary’s locker.

Moments passed, then Gary closed the locker door, slid the key into his pocket, and walked out without another word.

Randy felt as though he had turned into stone, and the only thing alive inside him was his pounding heart. He knew he should count himself lucky that Gary had chosen to walk away instead of giving him a verbal beating.

But he would have gladly taken it. He was sure, almost sure, that in canceling the trip he had done the right thing.

At 2000 hours, nearly twelve hours later, he sat in his car and waited for Gary. They would talk tonight, no matter what. He would find some way to make him understand, without admitting that after three years together, he had suffered a complete failure of trust in himself.

After half an hour with no sign of him, Randy went back inside the headquarters building and asked around. No one had seen Gary. If Gary had been beeped, he would certainly have told Randy he was being sent on an assignment.

Randy waited for another hour and when Gary still didn’t show up, he drove home. He walked slowly through his apartment, checking the fridge, the dining room table, the bed, anywhere Gary usually left him a note. There wasn’t one. Gary was just gone.

Randy took the phone to bed with him and laid down on Gary’s side, staring at it, waiting for it to ring. It didn’t.

He woke up before the sun rose and laid there until it was shining high and bright through the window. He told himself to get up and go to work.

Eventually he did, but he was no use to anyone, as even the simplest tasks challenged him until someone joked that he needed to call the Rangers because his IQ had fallen below the unit’s average.

He didn’t leave the compound until midnight, at which time he went home and sat in the dark until it was late enough to call Casey.

As usual Casey managed to amuse him and make him forget the hole in his heart for a few minutes.

He told Casey about his and Gary’s fallout, but not the reason. He was Casey’s closest friend and knew him through and through. He knew Casey was no paper tiger, no matter how Casey chose to play it with Steve.

Casey implied that Randy deserved Gary leaving, and after getting over his initial shock at the statement, he realized Casey was right.

He had made up his mind about Colorado and nothing was going to change that, and rather than argue Gary had understood and left him alone. As much as it hurt to know he had failed Gary, it hurt so much more because Gary suffered no such lack of trust in him.

*****

Three days later, he was just beginning to understand what it meant to be without Gary.

He seemed to have developed a faint but constant tremble in his hands, and when he came home at night he couldn’t for the life of him remember what the fuck he did with himself when Gary wasn’t there.

He couldn’t think of a single chore that needed doing, any report that needed writing, any books or journals or magazines he needed to finish.

On the fourth day he skipped going into the compound altogether. He sat staring at the pages of some journal, then found himself moving without purpose from room to room.

Hours after nightfall, he made himself get into bed without the phone. He lay flat on his back and stared at the ceiling.

He didn’t realize he had fallen asleep until he felt the scruff of stubble against his own.

His heart kicked, but he made himself lie still as Gary settled between his legs. Gary slowly began to rub his cheek against him.

“I’m being sent to Haifa,” Gary said softly.

Randy opened his eyes and looked into the dark blue ones above him. His heart stopped beating altogether.

How in the name of God had he done anything so awfully stupid as letting his own fears prevent him from being with this man?

He tried to keep his desperation off his face. “How long?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”

He gave up trying to remain composed and clutched Gary’s hair. He knew as well as anyone what the situation was like on the streets of the Lebanese city. Samer, Gary’s best friend and a Lebanese national, had been there for nearly a year, something they only knew because he had sent the embassy blueprints.

“Listen to me, Randy,” Gary said, cupping Randy’s jaw. “Whatever our argument, whether it was important or necessary or trivial between us—”

“It’s over,” Randy finished for him.

Gary’s smile pulled at one corner of his mouth. “That’s right,” he said softly. He moved his fingers up to Randy’s cheekbone and traced its form. “My love,” he whispered, his face turning serious. His eyes moved over Randy’s face. “How long have we been together?”

“Three years.”

“And how long have we actually been together?”

They kept an exact tally. “Nearly a year and a half.”

Gary’s eyes darkened, saying everything. Still, he put it in words. “Randy,” he said hoarsely. “We don’t have time for perfection.”

Randy swallowed and licked his dry lips, but couldn’t get any words of his own out. He found it difficult to catch his breath and every attempt seemed to make it even harder. “Who’s downstairs?” he croaked, knowing he needed more time.

“It’s Hogan,” Gary replied. “He said he’ll wait.”

Randy nodded, blinking slowly as Gary resumed stroking his cheek.

He memorized over again the shade of Gary’s hair, his stubble, the crooked shape of his nose, his mouth pressing into a thin line as Randy stared up at him. In the morning, it would seem like a dream.

But for Randy it was easier, if he was going to be the one alone, that it be here in his apartment with Gary’s things all around him, than in some godforsaken place where he had nothing.

“I lost perspective,” Randy said quietly. “I started seeing the spaces between us, instead of us.”

He moved his hands over Gary’s back, then slowly down the length of his body, rubbing as he went. He could feel Gary melting into him, and he closed his eyes briefly to savor his weight.

When he opened his eyes again, Gary was staring intently at him.

“What are we, Randy?” he asked.

A week ago he wouldn’t have known the answer. Now he did. “We’re the present.”

“And do you solemnly swear to never forget that?” Gary’s smile slowly widened. “Because next time I might not give a fuck about waiting for you to catch up. I might just drag you kicking and screaming.”

Gary lowered his head, brushing his lips back and forth against Randy’s, breathing with him. “All I want is you,” he whispered. He lifted his head and gave Randy a desperate look.

Randy lifted his own head, pulling Gary’s down. They kissed slowly, tasting each other, listening to each other breathe. Gary’s teeth scraped gently on his lower lip as he pulled back to break the kiss. Randy loosened his grip on his hair and let him. But he held Gary’s eyes.

He thought of all the things he wanted to say, about his love, his fears, his helplessness.

“Come back to me, Gary,” he asked quietly.

“You know I will.”

After a moment, Gary began to laugh softly. “I should go, but when you next speak with Casey, tell him I said hi.”

Despite himself, Randy felt a flush spreading across his face. “I will,” he mumbled.

Gary let out a long breath. “Go back to sleep,” he said, and pushed off the bed.

Randy laid there listening to the sounds of Gary leaving the apartment, of the door shutting behind him. He made himself breathe until it got easier and easier, until he could feel himself letting go of a part of him that was simply gone.

One day it would reappear at his front door, smiling and pulling him into a breathtaking embrace.

He breathed out until all the air was expelled from his lungs.

Tomorrow he would go back to work.

He closed his eyes and not long after, fell asleep.

~*~